fauxpas

In parenting, there generally isn’t one single event that drives you to hop over that fine line to crazy town.  They wear you down, slowly, with a series of demands, complaints, meltdowns and questions.  And from what I hear, it doesn’t just stop with toddlers.  Yup, there’s something to look forward to.

Anyway, I planned out an easy, no-fuss morning: breakfast, walk around the block and wash the dog.  Chase loves baths so I knew that would go smoothly.  Son was a bit crabby, but that’s nothing abnormal these days.  I decided to roll with it anyway because if I did things based off of the ever-changing moments of Toddlerdom, I’d never do anything.  So I strapped on my patience and grit my teeth through each activity.  But it wasn’t enough.  The little things just kept adding up and that’s when I realized it’s not me.  Toddlers make you crazy!

They hate the same exact food that they loved yesterday.  This is especially frustrating when you pack a lunch and there aren’t any acceptable food options around.

They touch you so much that you never want to be touched again.  EVER. IN. LIFE.  Being “touched-out” is a real thing.

They live attached to your leg.  Ever try cooking dinner, cleaning or doing anything with a toddler standing in every direction you move?  It’s like they shadow clone themselves to always be in the way.

They want to be independent, yet are slower than Mr. Roger’s, and have a complete meltdown if you try to help them.

They never see the thing you are pointing to, naming, describing and asking them to pick up.

Parent: “Please pick up that block.”

Toddler: (Looking perplexed as if you are speaking in another language).

Parent: “The red block.  That red, triangle block.  Right there!  Go over there!  Okay, stop!  Now look down.”

Toddler: (Spins around whilst looking down and still can’t find it).

Parent: “By your feet!  LOOK, IT’S RIGHT THERE!”

And just when you are in a complete tizzy and decide to walk over to get it, your toddler bends down and picks it up.

They ask why.  Many parents teach their children to question everything, and as an aspiring homeschooler, I support that notion.  However, toddlers ask why to questions that you’ve never thought of and then continue to ask questions down to the molecular level of everything.  Have you ever found yourself struggling to explain some science concept that you barely understand?

Toddler: “Mommy, why is the sun so hot outside?”

Parent: “Because the sun is a big ball of gas and fire and it helps plants grow and keep us warm.”

Toddler: “Why?”

Parent: “Because we need to stay warm to stay alive.”

Toddler: “But why?”

Parent: “Because people and some animals are warm blooded.”

Toddler: “But why?”

Parent: “Because… um… oh look!  A butterfly!”

via GIPHY

Every single one of those things happened to me today.  Plus the dog’s shenanigans – only wanting to walk on one side of the street, running while getting a bath and taking a piss on said hose that I was about to use to wash him.  The combination of Toddzilla + DogAssholishness = a Super PAC of Frustration that cannot be rivaled.  That was it.  Patience defeated.  I completely lost my sh*t in my driveway.

via GIPHY

 Yes, I turned into a complete crazy person.  Both of them stared at me as if I were tripping for no reason.  Arrrrgh!  Is it frowned upon to only have wine for lunch?